More udpates from paper.

This one titled, "Defunct enough as it is..."

Today was a good day. Tonight sucked. I got home after trying to say goodbye forever to Melissa. I didn't think I'd care this much about anyone anymore. Just the surge of emotions right now is consuming. Another person in my life that i care about reminding me that as I stand am incomplete and a burden. I made a weak attempt to stand up for myself. Truth is I saw the axe being sharpened and took it.

It ended very shitty with a person I care deeply about, and I regret that, and will regret that for some time. All isn't well, and tonight ended very shitty. I wish I could have given it something better. Maybe have saved some dignity from the situation. Went to Scott's, hopefully to find a friendly ear, but no one answered. He was probably sleeping. Drove back home and brewed in what happened trying to reconcile my actions. Tonight sleeep will suck. Tommorow will really suck.

I hope it was worth something to the universe.
-One more to the fire.

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With the World Around me Melting; I never felt so beautiful.

My room looks like a Zen Rock Garden. Nothing but the bleached carpet, my bed, and the white walls. My shoes look like the rocks you rake around. Melissa called me this morning. It was early, and it all felt like a dream. I just remember the feeling as if she had slipped into bed with me, and I had wrapped my arms around her.

She told me how she wwent out and had a good time. I was happy she had been happy and that she chose to share in that happiness with me. Then almost waking from a dream the phone was silent and I was alone in the early morning. I keep my phone ever charging in hopes that she'd call again.

Sun rises, others call, day progresses. I've asked myself a few times today if i've made the whole call up. What lengths id' go to ensure my own happiness. I question if my mind would lie to keep me happy. Will the Window Washer shows up three hours late. I had many of those disturbing fifteen minute snooze dreams as I waited for him to show. He started washing windows, and soon my bother Chad showed up to seal the floor he had installed over the past few days. The chemicals used burn the lungs and eat the inside of the nose. A few times I thought my lungs were bleeding, so I spent some time outside to up the vitamin uptake and escape the fumes.

Corey came over and the Rents came home from work. My mother offering pizza takeout again, I refused. It wasn't the choice of food, but the fact it seemed representative of why this family tanked.

I just thought of how if you go looking to be hurt that you will. Guess the same works with journals and the lives of others. The day burned on and I wrote a song out on Steve's guitar. First song to completely come from my mind and transcribed to strings. IT's a two part song with one guitar playing rhthym and one playing lead.

Noticed that Chat had lost weight and that he seemed happier. Good for him. Talked a bit with his girlfriend, Del, while taking her to work. She confessed that women are crazy and want shitty guys in life. I smiled and enjoyed hearing her speak. Seemed to be a winning situation. If you're a good guy, then you're some sort of Martyr for not having better, and if you're cold and selfish... Tehn you get the prize of your ambition. I took the moment to think I could be so cunning.

Russel called while taking Del to work. He said to bring beer over to his place. I picked up a sixer of Amber Bock and met him at his apartment. We each had one while we discussed hardware projects and watched the best episodes of the Animatrix. Russel was tired from hanging out with his Dad, so I grabbed the other four beers and left - Melissa on the mind as I drove home. Taking Eagle road, hoping someone would note my divergence of route. Not one pair of eyes met mine, and the house was quiet when I got home. I searched out a pen and a pad and started this entry with thoughts of performance pieces i've been working over in my mind. I check the phone as I come back to reality to find that no new calls have come, and find some hopes in the idea that 5 am will roll around sooner now that I've gotten thougths on paper.

Be sharp in choosing your path,
-Cut with the flick of a knife.

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Five blades swing more than five ways in six seconds.

Today was great. Really have that killer instinct that made me sharp and gave me my edge. I haven't felt that way in a year or so. Russel invited me over for a BBQ and we hung out and played San Andreas. Scott called after work and I ended up going to see what was up in his neck of the woods. We went to Wally World to people watch, and then to Dairy Queen. Dropped by Barnes and Noble to read up for a bit and browse the XX chromosome periodicals. I ended up reading The New Yorker and a book on SQL for a bit before leaving.

Watched the Family Guy movie that Russel burned for me. Nick showed up to join the crowd. Called it a night after that. I enjoyed the warm summer night riding around tonight. Felt in control of my life and had a grip on things.

Checked my emails for the first time in a couple weeks. A couple wanting full body shots on Adult Friend Finder and Jeannette saying something to the effect of "Words hrut more than fists." Didn't really have a context attached to it, so I didn't have a clue to what it was referring to or what that implied. A curious calm had already overtaken the malaise of the day and I didn't care.

I completely forgot about the slovakian book seller this morning. Maybe that is why things went so well. She came looking to sell children's encylopedias until I informed her that I was the youngest inhabitant of the house. We talked about Europe for a bit, and some travels we'd done. I pointed out what houses I knew had kids. Her accent breezed gentley through my ears and she looked sweet carmel on easy eyes. I didn't have the slightest clue why but I think she's the reason today went so well. I doubt I'll ever see her again. Things have been well today and I'm excited for tommorow or what phone calls come tonight.

Hope you fell sleek, sexy, and sharp.
-Butterfly of the blade type.